


TᗩᒪKIᑎG OᑌT ᒪOᑌᗪ Iᔕ ᖴOᖇ TᕼE ᗯEᗩK! TE᙭TIᑎG Iᔕ ᖴOᖇ TᕼE ᔕTᖇOᑎG!

by cactusboob



Series: Chat Fic Shit [1]
Category: Chilling Adventures of Sabrina (TV 2018) RPF, Riverdale (TV 2017)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Reincarnation, Author Is Sleep Deprived, Bad Jokes, Bad Puns, Dick Jokes, Dirty Jokes, Everyone Is Gay, F/F, Gay, Gay Panic, Getting Together, Help, How Do I Tag, Jokes, M/M, Memes, Multi, Mutual Pining, Pining, Reincarnated Jason Blossom, Supernatural Elements, Texting, The Author Regrets Everything, The Author Regrets Nothing, chat fic, cheryl and pea have a lowkey frenemyship, first fic to be published, kinda plot-ish, someone help me, sweetpea is constantly pissed throughout this
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-18
Updated: 2020-04-24
Packaged: 2020-09-06 16:07:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 8,356
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20294242
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cactusboob/pseuds/cactusboob
Summary: tiny♡toinette: what's wrong fangs?fangs.exe: I tried to attack jug with my flippity flops but,, he just kinda..... yeeted them out the windowfangs.exe: I now have no weaponssweatpeaispissed: I'll buy you a sword fogertypretentious_writing: please don't I quite enjoy having limbsbettygaygay: christ what is this chat◇veronica◇: idk-where josie, valerie, fangs, pea, archie, and juggie pine choni is fucking awesome kevin is very gay and in a love triangle with Joaquin and Moose beronica's cool too nothing sad ever happened and it's all a fucking cluster fuck





	1. Gay, Gay, and More Gay

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry for this 
> 
> (no I'm not)
> 
> ((most of the other guys are mentioned fleetlingly))

**disaster chat **

**2.34 am **

gay disaster🌈: have any of you just like,,, sat and thought about how... in back to the future....... Marty's mom wanted to jump on that dick???? gay

disaster🌈: because I do,,,, like,,, all the time

fangs.exe: no????

pretentious_writing: you okay there, bud

bettgaygay:??????

◇veronica◇: yes, actually. all the time.

tiny♡toinette: wtf are you guys doing awake!!??

cherylbby: Jesus christ, Archie what is wrong with you?

gay disaster🌈: literally everything

one of the pussies: WTH is going on? Why is everyone awake? Do you need therapy, Archie?

sweetpeaispissed: stop with the fucking capitalisation, josie (and chery) ((also, fuck you cheryl))

one of the pussies: Make me. fangs.exe: ewww stop sexting in the group chat

one of the pussies: literally a lesbean but, okay

tiny♡toinette: still sexting

cherylbby: My adorable Toni is right. (also, fuck you to pea)

pretentious_writing: just, not sexily? arch, help me out here

kevinisreallyfuckinggay: can we talk about that btf thing instead of #jospea's non sexual sexting?

bettygaygay: yeah, what was that arch????

disaster gay🌈: THAT WAS A BAD TIME, OKAY?!?!??!?!👊🏻🖕🏻

◇veronica◇: that was like,,, ten minutes ago??

disaster gay🌈: shut up I thought you were on my side!

** disaster chat **

**10.57 am**

fangs.exe: sweatpea just called reggie's opinion a moo point and I'm very scared that I understood him

sweatpeaisstillpissed: you love me

fangs.exe: whatever

one of the pussies 3: aww that's gay!

sweatpeaisstilpissed: no it wasnt!

fangs.exe: p l a t o n i c a l l y

_kevinisreallyfuckinggay_ changed chat _name to bitch, shut up that was Gay™ _

◇veronica◇: love the new chat name

bettygaygay: yes, it's very... wise, isn't it love?

◇veronica◇: indeed

_sweetpeaisstilpissed_ changed their username to _sweatpeaisevenmorepissed _

pretentious_writing: do you guys ever...

one of the pussies 2: last time someone started a sentence with That we were talking about insecne

disaster gay🌈: can we please stop referencing the Marty/Mom Incident ??????¿¿¿¿!!!!!!!!¡¡¡¡¡¡¡

pretentious_writing: no, Archibald, anyways do you guys just ever sit and wonder??? like question???

tiny♡toinette: elaborate

pretentious_writing: like ask and wonder questions? i.e: will #swangs ever admit their love for each other

fangs.exe: first off, shut the fuck off

sweatpeaisevenmorepissed: second off, our ship name is sweet tooth. sounds better

disaster gay🌈: awe! boyfriends finishing each other sentences 

cherylbby: That's quite gay, Tough Serpent

one of the pussies: could u idiot's stop texting while I'm in mrs. winters class

kevinisreallyfuckinggay: ah. yes. the very hot teacher who's only 22

bettygaygay made a new chat I _have quite the SWEET TOOTH, don't you think? _

bettygaygay added _◇veronica◇, tiny♡toinette, disaster gay🌈, and cherylbby_

bettygaygay: all in favor of getting sweet tooth together say Gay

cherylbby: G A Y

disaster gay🌈: Gaaaaaaaayyyyyy

tiny♡toinette: gAy

◇veronica◇: GAY

bettygaygay: it is settled then operation sweet tooth is a go

**go bitch, shut up that was Gay™**

** 12.13**

one of the pussies 2: looking at the clock now is weerried

pretentious_writing: why?

one of the pussies 2: 12.13 that's weird

bettygaygay: omg that's weird brings back some memories

one of the pussies 2: oh?

pretentious_writing: shut the yuck up better copper

bettygaygay: long ago (like two seasons ago, I think) jughead said this little ditty: In case you haven’t noticed, I'm weird. I’m a weirdo. I don't fit in. And I don't want to fit in. Have you ever seen me without this stupid hat on? That's weird.

one of the pussies 2: hahahahhahahahahahaah jiggy what the fuck

pretentious_writing: first off, jiggy? second off, shut up val

pretentious_writing: also Betty cooper, you are hereby gucking Canceled™

◇veronica◇: baby, what do you mean two seasons ago?

bettygaygay: nothing!

bettygaygay: also, forgot to do this earlier

_ bettygaygay_ changed _fangs.exe's name to stop it with the no homo, fangs u 2 pea ._

stop it with the no homo, fangs u 2 pea: 🖕🏼🖕🏼🖕🏼🖕🏼🖕🏼🖕🏼🖕🏼🤬🤬🤬🤬


	2. jughead ACTUALLY has a date. with REGGIE but, semantics

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> reggie asked juggy out (hashtag reghead)
> 
> archie gets jelly (shoulda asked him out when you had the chance)
> 
> sweet tooth need to get together already (fuckn hurry up)
> 
> cheryl misses jason (aww my poor babey)
> 
> the gay gals have a plan (yay)
> 
> the pining finally fucking starts (about bloody time)
> 
> and who the hell is britisholi (and why do they wanna duel toni via text)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> good luck reading this without dying of cringe

**ReggieFuckingMantleTheMagnifecent to**  
** pretentious_writing**

**11.22 am**

  
ReggieFuckingMantleTheMagnifecent: jughead  
  
pretentious_writing: juggies porno palace.... what's your pleasure?  
  
ReggieFuckingMantleTheMagnifecent: i naad fzvroe  
  
pretentious_writing: business or pleasure  
  
ReggieFuckingMantleTheMagnifecent:...business  
  
pretentious_writing: what is it? do I get a burger for it? how much does it pay?  
  
ReggieFuckingMantleTheMagnifecent: i nedd you ti be my date for yhdif thjng. yws. ill pag u fyve bqcks  
  
pretentious_writing: your texting is atrocious  
  
ReggieFuckingMantleTheMagnifecent: ur wprds xre bug  
  
pretentious_writing: whatever. when do i need to be your date?  
  
ReggieFuckingMantleTheMagnifecent: lioke, tomorrow.  
  
**bitch shut up that was gay™**  
** 11.43 am**  
  
tiny♡toinette: ok so, i know everyone's seen the way fangs has been mopin and walkin around with no shoes so, whats wrong fangs  
  
stop with the no homo shit fangs, u 2 pea: i tried to attack jug with my flippity flops but,,, he just kinda.... yeeted them out the  
window  
  
stop with the no homo shit fangs, u 2 pea: i now have no weapons (also, who tf changed my user)  
  
bettygaygag: i don't know it wasnt me  
  
sweatpeaisevenmorepissed: ill buy you a sword, fogarty  
  
pretentious_writing: please don't i quite enjoy having limbs  
  
bettygaygay: christ what is this chat  
  
◇veronica◇: idk  
  
gay disaster🌈: why were you attacking juggie anyway, fangs (it was betty)  
  
stop with the no homo shit fangs, u 2 pea: he called pea an asshole (thanks, arch)  
  
sweatpeaisevenmorepissed: thanks for defending my honour, fangs  
  
stop with the no homo shit fangs, u 2 pea: welc  
  
pretentious_writing: hey guess what im gonna be reggies date tomorrow  
  
_stop with the no homo shit fangs, u 2 pea_ changed their user to _bettycooper _  
_ sucks_  
  
gay disaster🌈: um... WHAT?!? 

gay disaster🌈: i mean, realyl?  
  
pretentious_writing: yeah he said he needed a date for this thing tomorrow so.. here i am  
  
bettycoopersucks: oooh jealous arch  
  
gay disaster🌈: shut up im not jealous  
  
sweatpeaisevenmorepissed: mhmh  
  
**choni**  
** 11.59 am**  
  
cherylbby: I miss Jason.  
  
tiny♡toinette: i know  
  
tiny♡toinette: you wanna watch his favourite movies until you fall asleep  
  
cherylbby: yeah. I love you, Toni.  
  
tiny♡toinette: love you too cher  
  
**Jarchie To The Max**  
** 12\. 30 pm**  
  
bettycoopersucks: anyone else noticed how archie got extremely jealous after juggie said he's going to be reggies date tomorrow ?  
  
one of the pussies: omg yeah  
  
one of the pussies 2: thought i was the only one who noticed  
  
one of the pussies 3: #jealousarchie  
  
◇veronica◇: we need to set them up  
  
sweatpeaisevenmorepissed: abso-fucking-lutely  
  
**bitch shut up that was Gay™**  
** 1.00 pm**  
  
disaster gay🌈: does anyone wanna go on a run?  
  
pretentious_writing: is the author funny?  
  
disaster gay🌈: so a no for juggy then fangs? pea?  
  
sweatpeaisevenmorepissed: no. i have to do something  
  
◇veronica◇: is that something fangs?  
  
bettycoopersucks: shut up v!  
  
_bettygaygay_ changed their name to _im amazing, fangs_  
  
bettycoopersucks: no youre not you're average at best  
  
im amazing, fangs: 🔪🔪🔪  
  
britisholi: Hello. Is Antoinette Topaz here?  
  
tiny♡toinette: yes. why do you need ti no?  
  
britisholi: Hello, Antoinette. I am here to deul you via text.  
  
cherylbby: Um????? What?????  
  
sweatpeaisevenmorepissed: what girl red said  
  
britisholi: Unless your name is Antoinette Topaz, do stop texting.  
  
pretentious_writing: excuse me, mr. britisholi but, you could just make your own chat  
  
gay disaster🌈: also don't tell juggy what to do

◇veronica◇: also, also how do you know britisholi is a guy, jug

bettycoopersuck: also, also, also protective!archie

  
**britisholi to tiny♡toinette**  
  
britisholi: Let us a duel.  
  
  
tiny♡toinette: ummmmmm???

* * *

* * *

* * *

* * *

  
** best bros**  
** 3.47 pm**  
  
bettycoopersucks: you think Toni's okay?  
  
sweatpeaisevenmorepissed: if the guy is actually british, i think so  
  
bettycoopersucks: hey, what was it that you had to do?  
  
sweatpeaisevenmorepissed: had to talk to kevin  
  
bettycoopersucks: y?  
  
sweatpeaisevenmorepissed: no reason  
  
***a few minutes later***  
  
bettycoopersucks: oh ffs pea, stop leaving your stuff every where! i almost died  
  
sweatpeaisevenmorepissed: sorry not sorry  
  
**kevinisreallyfuckinggay to sweatpeaisevenmorepissed**  
** 1.30 pm**  
  
  
sweatpeaisevenmorepissed: don't tell anyone but  
  
kevinisreallyfuckinggay: but what????  
  
sweatpeaisevenmorepissed: ihappentofindfangsveryveryattractiveohgreatgaygodhelpmeimdyyyyying  
  
kevinisreallyfuckinggay: if i promise not to tell anyone can i vent about Joaquin and moose to uou?  
  
sweatpeaisevenmorepissed: sure  
  
kevinisreallyfuckinggay: i promise not to tell anyone  
  
kevinisreallyfuckinggay: now... Joaquin is such a hot serpernt bad boy right? and like, really easy to talk to, right? also an amazing kisser. and moose is like, your average jock (except he gay) and it's alright talking to him and he's a quite good kisser  
  
sweatpeaisevenmorepissed: mhm soooooooo interesting  
  
🌈**gay🌈gals🌈**  
** 4.17 pm**  
  
tiny♡toinette: cher really misses Jason do you gays know anything that might cheer her up?  
  
◇veronica◇: yes  
  
tiny♡toinette: what?  
  
one of the pussies: jason coming back to life  
  
one of the pussies 2: but, josie, we can't do that  
  
one of the pussies 3: no on can  
  
im amazing, fangs: wellllllll  
  
tiny♡toinette: welllllll what cooper?  
  
im amazing, fangs: i know a guy, who knows another guy, who knows a non binary being who knows this girl who knows this other girl  
  
◇veronica◇: babe. the point? where is it?  
  
im amazing, fangs: basically, this girl is a witch  
  
one of the pussies: wait.... oooooo  
  
one of the pussies 2: i get  
  
one of the pussies 3: it now  
  
tiny♡toinette: we're gonna go talk to a witch girl????  
  
◇veronica◇: oh toni  
  
one of the pussies 3: hey toni, whatever happened with you and that british human?  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you survived!


	3. what the fuck

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> so basically, jug hoes on the reggie date (we dont see that)
> 
> arch is dying (no he's not)
> 
> sweet tooth has a date (friend date)
> 
> jason got reincarnated (what the f u c k?)
> 
> and im realising how idiotic this is (send help)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> fair warning: i know nothing about Sabrina

**britisholi to tiny♡toinette**  
** some time yesterday**  
  
tiny♡toinette: ummmmmmm  
  
britisholi: You may not remember me but, years ago, you watched and helped me be bullied. It was year five.  
  
tiny♡toinette: Ohmygosh im soooo soryy 😭😭 i was such a bitch in year five  
  
britisholi: Save your sorries for someone who cares! I am here to duel you! Not accept your pathetic little sorries!  
  
tiny♡toinette: fine then. 💪🏽lets duel then  
  
**Best Bros**  
** 9.00 am**  
  
bettycooperstillsucks: i just wants someone to take me out  
  
sweatpeaisdemimorepissed: sniper or on a date?  
  
bettycoopersucks: suprise me  
  
sweatpeaisevenmorepissed: scuse me what?  
  
bettycoopersucks logged off  
  
sweatpeaisevenmorepissed: Fangs! Fogarty!  
  
** 🌈gay🌈gals🌈**  
** 9.10 am**  
  
🧚🏼♀️: ok! whose being reincarnated today?  
  
tiny♡toinette: what the fuck? reincarnation??? isn't that black magic?????  
  
🧚🏼♀️: yes but,,, doesnt cheryl miss jason?  
  
tiny♡toinette: yeah she does  
  
tiny♡toinette: Jason Blossom is being reincarnated today.  
  
**Romance is hard 2.0 🧡**  
** 9.16 am**  
  
sweetpeaisevenmorepissed: i think fangs just asked me out on a date?  
  
kevinisreallyfuckinggay: yay!  
  
sweetpeaisevenmorepissed: but, like, a friend date  
  
kevinisreallyfuckinggay: aww poor pea  
  
**Arch ☆ Jug**  
** 9.20 am**  
  
🚽: juggggggyyyy my head huuuuuurts  
  
🚽: i think im dyyyyyyying  
  
pretentious_writing: you're not dying. that's just your brain trying to comprehend its stupidy  
  
🚽: BURN!  
  
pretentious_writing: idiot  
  
**ReggieFuckingMantleTheMagnifecent to pretentious_writing**  
** 9\. 22 am**  
  
pretentious_writing: where are we going anyway, reggie?  
  
ReggieFuckingMantleTheMagnifecent: fsmily yhaing  
  
pretentious_writing: can i wear a skirt? m kinda feeling myself today  
  
ReggieFuckingMantleTheMagnifecent: if ywo went ttbainy jq. to seb uo undewhesr go onn alend  
  
pretentious_writing: if you don't start texting to where i understand you i will kill you (then revive you and kill you aging)  
  
ReggieFuckingMantleTheMagnifecent: fine god you don't have to be so rude  
  
pretentious_writing: also, what did you mean about tony (?) jr.?  
  
ReggieFuckingMantleTheMagnifecent: he likes to looo under peoples shorts/skirts/dresses  
  
ReggieFuckingMantleTheMagnifecent: he's a little pervert  
  
pretentious_writing: just like you  
  
ReggieFuckingMantleTheMagnifecent: shutup  
  
romance is hard  
9\. 52 am  
  
serpentboi: what do we need to discuss?  
  
🎈: what's going on  
  
kevinisreallyfuckinggay: that fact that i like both of you, thats what  
  
serpentboy: preppy, you need to choose  
  
kevinisreallyfuckinggay: i don't wanna  
  
🎈: kev, please choose  
  
**B+V**  
** 10.00 am**  
  
im amazing, fangs: i miss you  
  
◇veronica◇: im sorry. im with toni and that witch girl getting jason reincarnated  
  
im amazing, fangs: that's a sentence  
  
◇veronica◇: ikr  
  
**the pussies 😸😸**  
** 10.12 am**  
  
one of the pussies: Girls! Rise to attention!  
  
one of the pussies 2: sir yes sir!  
  
one of the pussies 3: fucking hell jo i was S L E E P I N G!  
  
one of the pussies: I don't care.  
  
britisholi to tiny♡toinette  
yesterday  
  
britisholi: my 🐩 hits you with her paw  
  
tiny♡toinette: my fleet of ducks 🐤🐤🐤🐤🐤 bite your fingers (and twinkle toes)  
  
britisholie: my 🐉 burns your hair  
  
tiny♡toinette: my 🐎 kicks you in the dick  
  
britisholi: i surrender  
  
tiny♡toinette: are you actually british, oli?  
  
britisholi: yes  
  
**bitch shut up that was gay ™**  
** 10.17 am**  
  
🚽: im really fucking gay  
  
sweetpeaisslightlylesspissed: what gave you that idea?  
  
kevinisreallyfuckinggay: stop trying to steal my brand!  
  
kevinisreallyfuckinggay changed their name to kevinisreallyfuckinggay™  
  
bettycoopersucksocks: why are you "slightly less pissed" pea?  
  
sweetpeaisslightlylesspissed: no reason!  
  
◇veronica◇ made a new chat  
◇veronica◇ added added bettycoopersucks and sweetpeaisslightlylesspissednow  
  
**we need to talk**  
** 10\. 23 am**  
  
◇veronica◇: so.... i know about the date  
  
bettycoopersucks: friend date!  
  
sweetpeaisslightlylesspissed: who told you!?  
  
◇veronica◇: kevin  
  
  
sweetpeaisstillslightlylesspissed: im gonna kill kevin!  
  
◇veronica◇: anyway, just wanted to tell you guys i already have your wedding planned  
  
bettycoopersucks: thanks, i guess?  
  
**choni bby**  
** 10.27 am**.  
  
tiny♡toinette: i have somone i want you to meet, bby  
  
cherylbbyx: Who, my love?  
  
tiny♡toinette added new|mexico to the chat  
  
new|mexico:hey sis  
  
**romance is hard 2.0**  
** 10.30 am**  
  
sweetpeaisslightlylesspissed: im gonna kill you  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> is there a certain way Sabrina might text orrr??
> 
> edit aug 21st 2019 next chapter will be late however, im some fun misc stuff for today and tomorrow


	4. Why Sweet Pea Likes Fangs

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> little ditty about why sweet pea likes fangs   
told from unknown first person perspective   
could be kevin  
could be my oc serpent, wack

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> or maybe its ☆plot twist☆ fangs!

When Sweet Pea first told me he liked Fangs, I already knew. Hell, everyone already knew. What with the way he's always looking at the boy. 

Why do I think it to took so long for Pea to tell me? Well, I guess because he had to realize that he liked Fangs first. Then, when he realized, he had to go through the whole "what sexuality am I" stitch. So, yeah.

Name three times it was very obvious Pea liked Fangs? Ok. Um...

1\. 

It was about a week after the first day of year ten. Fangs was sitting in the front, with me, and having a full break down because, and I quote, "It's the fucking first day and I don't have a pencil!" I wasn't giving him mine because I only had one pencil, myself. So Pea, who was sitting on the other side of him, leaned over, handed Fangs The Silver Pencil ( this really pretty pencil that he won't let anyon other than fangs touch or look at). I still bug him about that to this day.

2\. 

This is more of an all the time thing, really. Every now and a then, when he thinks it's safe and no one's paying attention, Sweet Pea'll just look at Fangs like he's an angel. It's adorable. 

3.

This ones kinda the same as 2. Pea's a very good, artist right? And he has this really cool looking sketch book, right? Now, sometimes when he's not paying attention, I'll flip through it and see like five million drawings of Fangs.

Thats all? Ok, well, goodbye! ♡♡


	5. ᗯᗩIT? TᕼIᔕ ᔕTOᖇY Iᔕ ᔕTIᒪᒪ ᗷEIᑎG ᗯᖇITTEᑎ? Tᖴ?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> im forgetting some of my plot points. can someone just remind me about them whenever i post a new (hopefully not late) chapter? also, i think i wanna get a co author. y'know? so that when i don't feel like writing they can build off of what i wrote and when i so i can build off of what they wrote. so, anybody know anyone up for that?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> soz for the late chap. i had planned to post a chapter with a cute drawing of fangs' phone and his phone habits but my friend who was drawing it met some roadblocks so i had to make an new unplanned chap

**serpentboy to sweetpeaisslightlylesspissed**  
  
serpentboy: how come we haven't talked in ages?  
  
sweetpeaisslightlylesspissed: i dunno. life, i guess?  
  
serpentboy: yeah. i guess. ANYWAY, i texted you for a reason  
  
sweetpeaisslightlylesspissed: and what was that?  
  
serpentboy: i don't remember.   
  
sweetpeaisslightlylesspissed: of course you don't   
  
serpentboy: i remember! veronica and kevin wanted me to pass on this message because apparently you'll only listen me  
  
serpentboy: "You're an absolutely and utter dumbass, Pea. Everyone on the face of the Earth knows your head over heels in love with Fangs- except Fangs, of course. But, how is he supposed to know if you don't tell him?"  
  
serpentboy: i agree with everything they said  
  
sweetpeaisslightlylesspissed: you've betrayed me!  
  
sweetpeaisslightlylesspissed: and to think i was #teamjoaquin  
  
serpentboy: well, im team #sweettooth so i don't care  
  
sweetpeaisslightlylesspissed: asshole  
  
serpentboy: dumbass  
  
**chonibby♡**  
  
cherylbby: I am dreaming. This is a dream. Not real, not real.  
  
tiny♡toinette: cher, this is real  
  
New|Mexico: yep  
  
cherylbby: I think I'm gonna faint.  
  
**best bros**  
  
sweetpeaislightlylesspissed: so..... joaquin just texted me  
  
bettycooperfuckingsucks: really? i haven't talked to him in so long. i miss him  
  
sweetpeaislightlylesspissed: same. even though he betrayed me  
  
bettycoopersucks: how'd he betray you pea  
  
sweetpeaislightlylesspissed: hey guess what!  
  
bettycoopersucks: what?  
  
sweetpeaislightlylesspissed: chicken butt  
  
bettycoopersucks: i hate you  
  
sweetpeaislightlylesspissed: you love me  
  
bettycoopersucks: debatable   
  
**B + V**  
  
im amazing, fangs: judging by the way everyone is freaking out about the fact that JASON MOTHERFUCKING BLOSSOM just posted on insta, i take it that you got jason reincarnated  
  
◇veronica◇: yeppy yep yep   
  
im amazing, fangs: yay! in celebration, every one in the main grouo chat should go to pops tmr  
  
◇veronica◇: cool   
  
**Romance is hard 🧡**  
  
kevinisreallyfuckinggay™: how was the "friend" date?  
  
sweetpeaisslightlylesspissed: it was good. but, i kinda sorta maybe might've illuded to the fact that im in love with him   
  
sweetpeaisslightlylesspissed: help  
  
kevinisreallyfuckinggay: how the hell do you accidentally illude to liking someone   
  
sweetpeaisslightlylesspissed: i dont really know one minute we're eating burgers and talking about crushes (stupid, ik) with fangs and the next he's asking me who i i like and im describing him (with a few changed things obvi)  
  
kevinisreallyfuckinggay: did he catch on  
  
sweetpeaislightlylesspissed: is the author funny?  
  
kevinisreallyfuckinggay: so no?  
  
sweetpeasweetpeaislightlylesspissed: thank fuck  
  
**Arch ☆ Jug**  
  
🚽: evan evernever just asked me out   
  
🚽: i panicked and yeeted myself out of that situation   
  
pretentious_writing: arch. listen to me, bud. go back to hot blonde evan and say yes. you haven't dated anyone since hot ravenette eric  
  
🚽: yeah and thats because (a/n- im madly in love with you jug -a/n)  
  
pretentious_writing: because what?  
  
🚽: nothing  
  
**best bros**

sweetpeaisslightlylesspissed: i have a fucking idea  
  
bettycoopersucks: is this a good fucking idea  
  
sweetpeaislightlylesspissed: definitely not  
  
bettycoopersucks: whats the idea?  
  
sweetpeaislightlylesspissed: you know that new kid?? malachi??? or some shit like that???  
  
bettycoopersucks: ye?  
  
sweetpeaislightlylesspissed: lets befriend him  
  
bettycoopersucks: why?  
  
sweetpeaislightlylesspissed: he's hot and he likes Queen what the hell else could you want in a friend   
  
bettycoopersucks: you literally just described me, jug and that dude you were talking about in pops   
  
betttycoopersucks: oh!!! malachi's the dude!?!  
  
sweetpeaislightlylesspissed: ummmm yeppers. he's the dude. you got me. darndy darnd it  
  
** bitch shut up that was Gay™**  
  
one of the pussies: where is eveyone   
one of the pussies 2: new mexico  
one of the pussies 3: val, be serious. they obviously booked it london duh  
  
new|mexico: ł Ⱨ₳VɆ ฿ɆɆ₦ ₴Ʉ₥₥Ø₥ɆĐ? (฿Ɏ ₮ⱧⱤɆɆ VɆⱤɎ ฿Ɇ₳Ʉ₮ł₣ɄⱠ ₩Ø₥Ɇ₦)  
  
one of the pussies: i don't like boys  
one of the pussies 2: boys r nice n all butt youre not my type   
one of the pussies 3: i don't like people  
  
new|mexico: Đ₳₥₦ ĐłĐ₦₮ ɆVɆ₦ ⱠɆ₮ ₥Ɏ ₴₮₳Ɽ₮ ₣ⱠłⱤ₮ł₦₲ ₲ØØĐ  
  
one of the pussies: who the hell are you anyway?  
  
new|mexico: the sexeist man alive  
  
kevinisreallyfuckinggay: in my opinion, that title goes to joaquin desantos  
  
serpentboy: thanks preppy  
  
kevinisreallyfuckinggay: when the fuck did you get here!?  
  
serpentboy: ive been here allllll along  
  
cherylbby: jason, stop flirting with the pussies   
  
one of the pussies 2: wait? jason? as in jason fuking blossom?!?@??!?!?  
  
new|mexico: ₮ⱧɆ Ø₦Ɇ ₳₦Đ ₮ⱧɆ ₥Ø₮ⱧɆⱤ₣Ʉ₵₭ł₦₲ Ø₦ⱠɎ, JØ  
  
one of the pussies 3: so, it's tru you actually did post on insta??? you're actually reincarnated????  
  
tiny♡toinette: yep   
  
  
** B + V**  
  
im amazing, fangs: youre phone won't stop ringing  
  
im amazing, fangs: oh wait.   
  
im amazing, fangs: I'll just answer for you  
  
2 to 5 mins later  
  
im amazing, fangs: who the hell is em?

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#overusageofyep

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> was this enjoyable? no
> 
> are my eyes bleeding? yes
> 
> will the people of Chilling Adventures come back? i dunno know
> 
> hotel? trivago


	6. Archie Has A Gaping Asshole (not clickbait) ((totally clickbait))

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> honestly? i don't even know what the fuck is going on

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> there's a twist here that's so fricking riverdale-ish that it's annoying

**The Call Between Betty And Em**

''Hello, random person calling Veronica. What might I do for you today?"-betty

"Um, hi. My name's Em and this random lady dressed in all black told me to call this number."- em

"Well, that's odd."-betty

"I know!"-em

"Anyway, Veronica's not here at the moment. Would you like me to leave a message?"-betty

"Yeah, um, tell her to go to Caffe Coffe at like, 4."-em

"Will do. Goodbye."-betty

"Goodbye."-em

**Possible Boyfriends **

pretentious_writing: i say reginald, we should play a game of 20 (21?) questions 

ReggieFuckingMantleTheMagnifecent":we shall, we shall

pretentious_writing: I'll ask the first q favourite song

ReggieFuckingMantleTheMagnifecent: don't laugh but pocker full of sunshine 

pretentious_writing: imma need lyrics

ReggieFuckingMantleTheMagnifecent: i got a pocket, pocket full of sunshine i got a love and i know it's all mine oh wo oh oh

pretentious_writing: lmao god you're adorable 

ReggieFuckingMantleTheMagnifecent: you're fave song

pretentious_writing: fat bottomed girls

ReggieFuckingMantleTheMagnifecent: ooookay then

pretentious_writing: shut up are you ever gonna get tattoos if so what are they gonna be?

ReggieFuckingMantleTheMagnifecent: i dunno actually if i do, it's gonna be some cool symbolic shit you?

pretentious_writing: im gonna get a semi colon tattoo that is also cat whisker because im dan and phil trash

ReggieFuckingMantleTheMagnifecent: thats cool. ok, so, like, kinda serious q, you ever gonna add me to the gc?

pretentious_writing: um, idk. I'll ask everyone about it later

ReggieFuckingMantleTheMagnifecent: cool, cool

pretentious_writing: youre saying "cool, cool" like you don't care but this is such a big deal to you, isn't it?

ReggieFuckingMantleTheMagnifecent: maybe 

pretentious_writing: anyway, what's your uh

pretentious_writing: dirty pleasure?

ReggieFuckingMantleTheMagnifecent: 😏

pretentious_writing: thats not the saying

pretentious_writing: what's a movie you watch that no one can ever know bout?

ReggieFuckingMantleTheMagnifecent: theemojimovie 

pretentious_writing: please tell me you mean this ironically 

ReggieFuckingMantleTheMagnifecent: i do not

pretentious_writing: we're getting a divorce

ReggieFuckingMantleTheMagnifecent: literally not even dating you but oke

pretentious_writing: you can have the house but im taking the dog! 

ReggieFuckingMantleTheMagnifecent: yeah okay

ReggieFuckingMantleTheMagnifecent: also, the saying is guilty pleasure 

**Serpent Bros**

serpentboy: jughead is really fucking annoying and pretentious and emo and just overall a dick head

sweetpeaisslightlylesspissedrn: you're just now figuring this out?

serpentboy: anyway, what's going on with sweet tooth

sweetpeaisslightlylesspissed: stuff

serpentboy: stuff? Nicholas P. if you dont give me a detailed description of what's going on i will guyt you

sweetpeaisslightlylesspissed: you seriously use the first name? like fr?

serpentboy: yes. i did.

sweetpeaisslightlylesspissed: fine. god. ive just been,,, avoiding him, i guess. it's easier not to talk than to talk to him cause then all i want to do it kiss him

serpentboy: aww, i know how you feel hows about we go eat our sorrow away at pops

sweetpeaisslightlylesspissed: this is the second best idea you ever had

serpentboy: what's the first?

sweetpeaisslightlylesspissed: stealing a set of Toni's underwear 

serpentboy: didn't that basically get our dicks cut of????

sweetpeaisslightlylesspissed: yeah, but, like, it was still really ficking epic

serpentboy: yeah okay

**wouldn't expect to be besties but bitch guess what? we fucking are ayyyyy**

_bettycoopersucks _changed their name to _sadboi_

sadboi: i think sweets is starting to like, hat me or som

◇veronica◇: what the actual ever loving fuckedey fuck are you on about fangs?

sadboi: it's just 

sadboi: he's been avoiding conversation with me and when we do conversate he like, ends the convo really fucking fast

◇veronica◇: you're an utter dumbass and i love you

♡veronica♡: which is im slightly tempted to tell you why pea's been like this but pea, after a helluva alot of begging and buttering up, entrusted me with that info soooooooooioo

◇veronica◇ logged off

sadboi: V! 

**The Blossom Twins Bitches**

cherylbby: Jason Clifford Blossom how could you post on Instagram with out making me aware!?

new|mexico: ɦօա ƈօʊʟɖ ʏօʊ ʀɛɨռƈǟʀռǟȶɛ ʍɛ աɨȶɦօʊȶ ʍǟӄɨռɢ ʍɛ ǟաǟʀɛ?

cherylbby: How was supposed to go about making you aware, huh?

new|mexicoco: օʊɨʝǟ ɮօǟʀɖ!

cherylbby: You are really annoying, dear brother. 

new|mexico: ʟօʋɛ ʏօʊ ȶօօ ƈɦɛʀ 

cherylbby: ❣💋

**B × V**

im amazing fangs: actually, you probably wouldn't know who so nevermind

◇veroncia◇: watcha talking about betts?

im amazing fangs: so, there was this girl, named em, who called you and was like "a lady in black" told her to do it and that you should meet her at Caffe Coffee 

◇veronica◇: ooh it's like a mystery 

_im amazing, fangs_ changed their name to _bettysleuths_

bettysleuths: guess you gotta go to that four o'clock coffee date so i can get to the bottom of this

◇veronica◇: guess so

**best bros**  
  
notaflowwer: so, veronica just told me you think i hate you and???? tue fuck??   
  
sadboi: you do though right? cause that would explaine the you avoiding me fuckery  
  
notaflowwer: i haven't been avoiding you?  
  
sadboi: you have??  
  
notaflowwer: um??? prove it????  
  
sadboi: when was the last time we had a full conversation?  
  
notaflowwer: two weeks ago. the pop's hang. and that day we got drunk a few days ago  
  
sadboi: we were intoxicated on both occasions, sweetpea  
  
notaflowwer: well, stuff like that happens. i can't talk to you all the time, fangs.   
  
sadboi: apparently, you can't talk to me at all.  
  
notaflowwer: what do you mean by that?  
  
sadboi: just, you know, the fact that every single time you have some freetime you hang out with joaquin when we could've been hanging out   
  
notaflowwer: ive been doing that?   
  
sadboi: mhm  
  
notaflowwer: look, fangs, you know you're my bestfriend right?   
  
sadboi: i guess.  
  
notaflowwer: which is why i can't tell you why I've been avoiding you recently. im sorry  
  
sadboi: now youre keeping secrets. what the fuck is next? you gonna start watching grace and frankie without me?  
  
notaflowwer: look, i really wish i could tell you about this but i can't. i really, really want to but i can't. im sorry.  
  
sadboi: is this like, and fbi thing or???  
  
notaflowwer: what? no   
  
sadboi: then why can't you tell me?  
  
notaflowwer: because.  
  
sadboi: ill let you win at mario kart if you tell me  
  
notaflowwer: i can tell you literally everything except for this.  
  
sadboi: ok. so tell me your real, actual, no joke, on the birth certificate first name  
  
notaflowwer: nicholas   
  
sadboi: oh. ok then.  
  
notaflowwer: what?  
  
sadboi: i was expecting something cool and fancy like  
  
sadboi: Peabody  
  
notaflowwer: bitch, insinuate that my name is fucking peabody again i will kill you  
  
sadboi: for some reason i highly doubt that.  
  
sadboi: im still mad at you, just fyi  
  
notaflowwer: what if i tell you sometime in the not so distant future ?  
  
sadboi: like Halloween?  
  
notaflowwer: yeah sure  
  
sadboi: my anger has slightly decreased  
  
**bitch shut up that was gay🌈**  
  
pretentious_writing: so, gays, how do we feel about Reggie The Possible Boyfriend joining the gc?  
  
tiny♡toinette: im fine with it. i need to question this reggie character anyway  
  
kevinisreallyfuckinggay: "this reggie character" bitch you've gone to the same school as him for you whole life wtf  
  
tiny♡toinette: shush you, you marshmallow   
  
_kevinisreallyfuckinggay_ changed their name to _marshmallow_   
  
marshmallow: i am now marsh of the mallows refer to me any other way and its of with your head   
  
🚽: i feel as though you should wait a bit longer jug.  
  
fangs.exe: i feel as though you're jealous arch  
  
cherylbby💋: I feel as though you and Forsythe should just fuck already.  
  
pretentious_writing: i feel as though we should address the fact that only one peson answerd my question  
  
notaflowwer: oh shit sorry jug. we don't care. invite you boy toy the gc  
  
fangs.exe: we do care! poor Archie's going to he heartbroken   
  
🚽: ill have you know i have a date tomorrow! so the teh next person to insinuate upon my undying love jughead will be kicked the fuck out  
  
notaflowwer: so you admit it! you have an "undying love" (you're words not mine) for jones!  
  
🚽 kicked _notaflowwer_ out of the chat  
  
fangs.exe: honestly? not even gonna add him back. he deserved that the little shit  
  
tiny♡toinette: trouble in paradise?  
  
fangs.exe: something like that  
  
kevinisreallyfuckinggay: can we adress the fact that cheryl called jug Forsythe? where the hell did that come from  
  
serpentboy: kevin, im about to blow you mind  
  
marshmallow: ?  
  
serpentboy: it's his real name  
  
marshmallow: oh! wow! okay then. 

**the chaotic gay and the closet gay **

LeMoose: i just came to a realization 

marshmallow: and what's that?

LeMoose: that i never really hada chance

marshmallow: ?

LeMoose: with you. of course i didn't 

marshmallow: what are you on about, moose. 

LeMoose: you like love him dont you?

marshmallow: who's him

LeMoose: don't play stupid 

marshmallow: im sorry. 

LeMoose: so you do

marshmallow: i don't know maybe?

LeMoose: that's okay. i knew it wasn't going to last long anyway 

LeMoose: so, i guess this means you chose him, huh?

marshmallow: i didn't choose anyone

LeMoose: and why not?

marshmallow: because i love you too.

**sweet pea has a crisis please help me im a dumbass **

notaflowwer: i am the biggest dumbass to ever dumbass in the history of dumbass 

joaquinoa: i mean,,,,, you're not wrong

marshmallow: don't be rude joaquin!

◇veronica◇: what's wrong pea?

notaflowwer: i just told fangs that i would announce my undying love for him on Halloween

notaflowwer: im not ready to do that!

◇veronica◇: welp, you're a dumbass but i can't help you

notaflowwer: and why not? 

◇veronica◇: because i have a date.

marshmallow: but you're dating betty?

◇veronica◇: a friend date.

joaquinoa: oh

marshmallow: anyway, don't worry pea, me and joaquin'll help

joaquinoa: who on earth is this "me and joaquin"

marshmallow: joaquin desantos you are helping me help sweet pea rather you like it or not

notaflowwer: top!kevin

◇veronica◇: yes kevin be a dom

joaquinoa: i am very much pissed at you kevin because you have now caused a trip to the boys bathroom 😏

◇veronica◇: ewwww joaquin 

notaflowwer: im done

marshmallow: i literally can not with you i swear

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so, yeah, as you can see, that title was the click of the bait
> 
> soz


	7. arch and jug get arrested and archie loses his shit (quick interlude because im getting bored with the plot)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> plot is unnecessary

"you know, arch, this is quite the change of scenery."  
  
"jughead. this. is. a. prison. cell!"  
  
"still a nice change of scenery."  
  
"god i hate you-"  
  
"no you don't"  
  
"-why did i let you talk me into this?"  
  
"my amazing kissing skills?"  
  
"if you keep talking, i won't be incarcerated for vandalism, I'll be incarcerated for murder."  
  
"sheesh calm you tits, arch. jesus."  
  
"i will cut you, Jones. i swear i will."  
  
**a few hours before**  
  
"juggie, i have a slight indication that this is not going to eat well."  
  
"what are you on about, dude? we're fine."  
  
"mhm. okay."  
  
"pass me the can."  
  
**literally two seconds later**  
  
"oh god we're gonna get caught."  
  
"archie if you don't shut up i will harm you."  
  
**literal police sirens**  
  
"jug..."  
  
"we're fine. just, stay invisible."  
  
"um, bro, you're 6 feet and extremely pale. you're like, a glowing totem pole."  
  
"fine, i'll face the wall. hide your hair."  
  
"if we get caught for this, im going to cut you off from Vegas time."  
  
"you wouldn't dare."  
  
"i might."  
  
literal police sirens get right in front of them  
  
"jug!"  
  
"sozzy?"  
  
"god i hate you."  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this really fucking stupid and boring i was just bored with the plot please don't hurt me


	8. Song Days and Scavenger Hunts and Partys. This Is A Rather Eventful Chapter, Actually (part one of __)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> apparently, don't fact check this but, it's national song day sooo
> 
> and annoying wetherbee, annoying wetherbee, annyoing wetherbee, throws a scavenger hunt
> 
> also, verozero throws a party 
> 
> and joaquin just might get haunted by donald trump

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> should i cross post this on wattpad? is this food enough for that or??
> 
> also, quick cannon check: reggie's mom never shows up in the show, right?

I** have quite the SWEET TOOTH, don't I?**

tiny♡toinette: so apparently, sweets and fangs are having a rough patch

cherylbby💋: Yes, I've noticed. Fangs didn't even add Dumbass back to the chat.

marshmallow: well here's what happened :

joaquinoa: fangs texted veronica all "so dumbass hates me, huh?" and veronica was like "bitch no he loves you but i can't tell you that yet so forget i ever said anything" 

marshmallow: and veronica texted dumbass about this conversation and dumbass texted fangs about this conversation 

joaquinoa: and sweet pea was like "bro what you smoking? not sure if u've noticed but im mad in love with you forget i said that. i can't tell you nothing till oct 31 st"

marshmallow: and while fangs was a bit satisfied with that answer, he's still mad at dumbass because dumbass was avoiding him

new|mexico: ANYONE HAVE ANY IDEAS ON HOW TO GET FANGS NOT MAD AT SWEET PEA?

bettysleuths: mitch what the fuck is up with that capslock? 

new|mexico: YOUR MOM'S UP

bettysleuths: that doesn't even make senes!

tiny♡toinette: anyway.... we need ideas

cherylbby💋: What if we set Fangs and Dumbass up on a date?

joaquinoa: that is the most basic and plain idea I've ever heard. bring some fire to the plan cher

cherylbby💋: What if we locked them in one of the various bedrooms I have in Thornhill all by themselves over night?

joaquinoa: now THAT is an idea

new|mexico: WHAT WOULD BE A VALID REASON FOR GETTING THEM TO GO IN THE ROOM ALONE?

marshmallow: truth or dare might work

new|mexico: VALID REASON FOR RANDOMLY PLAYING TRUTH OR DARE?

arch: veronica can throw that party she mentioned a few chap- i mean weeks ago

tiny♡toinette: archie andrews! why ahev you been silent this whole conversation?????

arch: that is irrelevant to you

tiny♡toinette: no it is not

arch: yes it is

**possible boyfriends **

pretentious_writing: so, i talked to the other idiots and they said it would be perfectly fine for you to join the gc

pretentious_writing: but first, here are some rules

ReggieFuckingMantleTheMagnifecent: rules?

pretentious_writing: rules.

pretentious_writing: there's really only one rule and that's "you don't talk about the g.c outside of the g.c or sub chats" 

ReggieFuckingMantleTheMagnifecent: so kind of a fight club thing?

pretentious_writing: some what

ReggieFuckingMantleTheMagnifecent: hey, how's about we finish out game of 21 (20?) questions

pretentious_writing: i don't remember who was last so I'll go. what's one time you felt completely and absolutely at peace?

ReggieFuckingMantleTheMagnifecent: this an easy one. back before my mom left when she was baking peanut butter cookies an she'd let me help 

ReggieFuckingMantleTheMagnifecent: I'd always get the peanut butter stuff all over me but it was still fun

pretentious_writing: ah! that sounds ao cute

ReggieFuckingMantleTheMagnifecent: yeah well

_joaquinoa _changed to the chat name to **_Lucille Ballers _**

fangs.exe: mitch what the ouck

joaquinoa: shush, fellow serpent. for, i have an announcement! 

notaflowwer: ????? ok

joaquinoa: its national song day soo....

I don't dance  
I know you can  
Not a chance, no  
If I could do this, well, you could do that  
But I don't dance  
Hit it out of the park

I don't dance  
I say you can  
There's not a chance, oh  
Slide home, you score, swingin on the dance floor  
I don't dance, no

bettysleuths: did you just fucking copy and paste this??

joaquinoa: yes and??

bettysleuths: copying and pasting is lazy and shows no respect to our great gay lores

joaquinoa: well i am lzy so, off with your head

ReggieFuckingMantleTheMagnifecent: I BELIEVE IN MIRACLES

arvh: WHERE YOU FROM

marshmallow: YOU SEXY THING

notaflowwer: SEXY THING YOU

tiny♡toinette: I BELIEVE IN MIRACLES

cherylbby💋: SINCE YOU CAME ALONG

new|mexico: you sexy thing

**da next day**

◇veronica◇: hey so before some one starts talking about WB and the s.h, i need you all to stay late after the party k? k.

bettysleuths: um ok. you ok

◇veronica◇: yes now onto the WB shite

notaflowwer: thank you verozero 

notaflowwer: this is fucking bullshut! i have stuff to do Saturda!! 

fangs.exe: since when is your lazy ass up on a Saturday 

notaflowwer: since kevin and joaquin found their joint love of punishung me for being a dumbass 

joaquinoa: kinky

marshmallow: not like that and you know it!

joaquinoa: Kevin, babe, stop ruining my fun pleade and thank tou

arvh: oh stop babying it'll be fun

pretentious_writing: youre only saying that because Evan's gonna be there 

arvh: why would that influence my liking of the s.h

pretentious_writing: because, with evan there, you couls probably get a super sneaky bj somewhere 

ReggieFuckingMantleTheMagnifecent: didn't know you were into exhibition

pretentious_writing: now that you do, please take advantage of this info 

ReggieFuckingMantleTheMagnifecent: will do 😏

arvh: could you fucking please stop fucking sexting in the fucking groupchat fucking hell

tiny♡toinette: ayy yo lets pick partners

cherylbby💋: I choose Toni, my beautiful girlfriend, and Jason, my average at best brother.

new|mexico: AND THAT IS PAINFUL 

cherylbby💋: That was the point, dear brother. 

bettysleuths: me, v, fangs

notaflowwer: i wanted to pick fangs!

marshmallow: sorry but me and mr quinoa over there don't really trust you two alone rn. but, do not fear, for we have a plan for that later

fangs.exe: why would have a plan for that???

notaflowwer: "really don't trust you two alone rn." what the juck do you mean by that

joaquinoa: your mom

marshmallow: anyway, me, j, pea

arvch: and that leaves me, jug, reg

pretentious_writing: we missing some one??

◇veronica◇: the pussies but they have a gig in cali soooooooo 

ReggieFuckingMantleTheMagnifecent: oh shit they do someone remind me to send them flowers 

joaquinoa: send the pussies flowers 

ReggieFuckingMantleTheMagnifecent: not now dumbass 

**two dudes making out cuz they're gay as fuck**

joaquinoa: hey sorry to ruin a good mood but, have you talked to moose lately?

marshmallow: oh, uh. him. well. you see. it's just. ok look.

joaquinoa: im looking

marshmallow: it's complicated 

joaquinoa: still!?

marshmallow: yeah, actually, it might be evn more complicated 

joaquinoa: damn

marshmallow: i know

**B + V**

bettysleuths: what happened 

◇veronica◇: we really need to make our names spooky.

bettysleuths: what happened 

◇veronica◇: we cand do a couples thing veroniboo and bettyboo

bettysleuths: you're avoiding my question, aren't you?

◇veronica◇: yes. yes i am.

bettysleuths: ok then. since you want to avoid the q lets talk about your party

◇veronica◇: yeah okay what should get?

bettysleuths: booze.

bettysleuths: mary of the jane.

bettysleuths: but no co of the cain.

bettysleuths: pornos.

bettysleuths: glow in the dark lites

bettysleuths: karoke machine.

bettysleuths: more mary of the jane.

bettysleuths: but still no co of the cain.

bettysleuths: unlessss....

bettysleuths: jkjkjkjkjkjk

bettysleuths: buuutttt...

◇veronica◇: betty, love, there will be no blow at my party. 'm pretty sure cheryl wouldn't allow it anywya

bettysleuths: there alot of things you don't know about cheryl, veronica 

◇veronica◇: ...wot?

**Arch ☆ Jug**

arvh: im gonna be a letter for Halloween 

pretentious_writing: two things

1\. it's the 19th of october bitch get your sharpies 

2\. a letter??? for Halloween??? do elaborate???

arvh: im gonna be the letter z and wear this big styarfome z suit thing and only speak in z

arvh: also i got my sharpies july 19th 

pretentious_writing: how do you speak in z

arvh: zzzz zz zzz zzz zzzz zz z, zzz

pretentious_writing: you're not gonna do that all month tho, right

arvh: zzz zzzz?

pretentious_writing: ah god

pretentious_writing: you know, we haven't talked about our relationships in a long ass while.

arvh: zz zzzzz'z.

pretentious_writing: since you're speaking z, I'll go first: i really like reggie but im just not sure? i guess. like, reggie is the first ever guy ive ever come close to dating and it's weird 

arvh: (the only reason im not speaking z is because this convo is important) yeah. i can get that. Evan's kinda annoying tbh

pretentious_writing: realy how so

arvh: (*really) he's always talking about his dad's farm or whatever. it's legit the most boring and annoying thing ever (sans you ofcourse)

pretentious_writing: uh, ruDE!

arvh: you love me ❤

pretentious_writing: the more you speak, the more i begin to question my love for you.

arvh: O U C H

pretentious_writing: you love me ❤

arvh: yeah. yeah i do

**the bestest of bros**

fangs.exe: hey pea on a scale of 1 (being the worst) to 10 (being the best reaction possible) how made would you be if changed you user???

notaflowwer: i mean, im realll attached ti this on but, it just depends 

fangs.exe: cool, cool

_fangs.exe _changed _notaflowwer_'s name to _Sr. Peabody_

Sr. Peabody: brut you better start running

fangs.exe: now?

Sr. Peabody: yes, now 

fangs.exe: oh shit okay 

**choni♡bby💋 (with jason for some reason) **

tiny♡toinette: why are there no dope ass samhain songs to sing??

new|mexico: BECAUSE THERE ARENT ANY

cherylbby: I just realized that we need spooky names.

tiny♡toinette: oh shit we do

new|mexico: NEW MEXICO IS QUITE SPOOKY ALREADY SOOOO

cherylbby: Literally, how?

new|mexico: IT JUST IS OKAY?? DO NOT QUESTION THE LOGIC OF A KING!!

tiny♡toinette: since when are you a king

new|mexico: SINCE FIVE, SIX, SEVEN, EIGHT, NINE, TEN SECONDS AGO, BIH

cherylbby: Can we just make our names spooky now?

tiny♡toinette: oh yeah sure

_tiny♡toinette _changed their name to _spookyserpent_

_cherylbby _changed their name to _sexyspook_

sexyspook: Now, that is better. 

**Lucille Ballers**

joaquinoa: every one! we need spooky names! pronto 

marshmallow: even though my name isn't traditionally spooky, it still fits.

_ arvh _changed their user to _archiekrueger_

_joaquinoa _changed their user to _donald trump_

ReggieFuckingMantleTheMagnifecent: what the fuck dude

donald trump: is the scariest guy in the world

ReggieFuckingMantleTheMagnifecent: tru but like, isnt he dead?

pretentious_writing: if he is, j's gonna get haunted

marshmallow: most def, most def

_ReggieFuckingMantleTheMagnifecent _changed their name to _demonreggue_

pretentious_writing: hah! demon reggue

_pretentious_writing _changed _demonreggue's _user to _demonrague_

demonrague: seriously?

pretentious_writing: yes, seriously 

pretentious_writing: gays help! i cant decided! "phannie" or "stephen king"

marshmallow: well, stephen king isn't that scary. he's just an old guy. he probs can't even wipe his own ass.

pretentious_writing: first, do stop the slander against Stephen second, his books are scary

donald trump: exactly his books

pretentious_writing: so phannie it is

_pretentious_writing _changed their name to _phannie🌈_

phannie🌈: shit i just remembered

demonrague: what babe

phannie🌈: that god for saken (though technically everythings god for saken) Scavenger hunt is tomorrow 

donald trump: ah fuck. let me go talk to russia. they'll figure something out

marshmallow: oh dear cass 


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> im back bitches

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello! im really very sorry that it's taken me three months to update this.
> 
> uh, i decided to change the focus. (sort of)
> 
> um, everyone that i was trying to get together is together (sans val and josie) and uh sorry again.
> 
> please enjoy
> 
> (also, it's like 3 months later in the fic as well)

**we're here, we're queer, wnd we're full of cocaine, acid, methamphetamine and other illegal substances **

***somewhere around two (in the morning)***

  
  


**thesexiestpersonyouwillevermeet:** Good morning, gays! How are you all on this wonderful day?

**yeet:** feeling pretty fucking short atm, ngl

**gayforjughead&reggie: ** im five seconds away from slicing jug in half with a machete 

**!FANGs!** : wotthehell can i get a backstory on that, mate?

**yeet:** i take it fangs is still on his british kick

**!FANGs!:** yes, yes i am

**sirpeaofthesouthlands: ** yes, yes he is and it's driving me insane. if i hear one more "good evening, guvnuh," im gonna kill em

**thesexiestpersonyouwillevermeet: ** Is it just a trend in this now to want to do bodily harm to your significant other?

**yeet:** yes. now perish, blossom

**gayforjughead&reggie:** why are you mad at cheryl, toni?

**yeet: ** she insulted the vertically challenged!

**thesexiestpersonyouwillevermeet: ** All I did was offer my assistance in her endeavour to get the cookies from the cabinet!

**yeet: ** exactly!

**thatgoodbitchnextdoor:** what the fucking hell guys it fucking two in the morning some of us actually fucking sleep you fucking cunt cactuses i swear to fucking god i hat you all

**sirpeaofthesouthlands:** lmao "i hat you all"

**sirpeaofthesouthlands: ** hey blossom, i hat you

**!FANGs!: ** i think i quite like angry betty. she's rather entertaining 

**thatgoodbitchnextdoor: ** do you wanna fuking die today, fogarty because i can make that happen

**!FANGs!:** you wanna grow bro? let's fucking dance, mate

**yeet:** im not sure about betty over there but i would love to grow

**gayforjughead&reggie: ** ^that right there is comedy gold^

**thatgoodbitchnextdoor: ** actually, im good

**sirpeaofthesouthlands:** oh shti fangs you scared her

**thatgoodbitchnextdoor: ** nah, her girlfriend did

**thatgoodbitchnextdoor: ** can you text from you own phone, please

**thatgoodbitchnextdoor: ** oh shit yeah 

**LeronicaVodge: ** ngl tho we all need to go to sleep

**gayforjughead: ** tru, tru

**sometime around eight (in the morning)**

**gayforjughead&reggie:** does anyone ever want to just,,, yeet jughead out the closest window?

**TheHolyBible: i** swear to god evre since you all started dating you've been extremely violent toward one another.

**Forsythe.Pendelton: ** it's how we show our love

**furryguy595:** it either that or constantly making out with one another like topaz and cheryl

**yeet: ** fuck iff mantle

**LeronicaVodge: ** sex must be very, interesting then

**Forsythe.Pendelton: ** yes, very

**ColeAndDylanSprouseAreMyDaddies: ** on a less disgusting note, ethel just handed me a flyer for the dance and i can't wait 

**ColeAndDylanSprouseAreMyDaddies: ** like, kev what color are we wearing? is the whole gay gang gonna buy a limo? should i indulge in the alcohol? will i get lucky? if so, how lucky?

**TheHolyBible: ** fucking really joaquin 

**ColeAndDylanSprouseAreMyDaddies: ** these are extremely important questions.

**LeronicaVodge:** i can buy the limo, j

**yeet: ** and i advise that you do not "indulge in the alcohol" but, you won't listen to me

**ColeAndDylanSprouseAreMyDaddies: ** accurate 

**furryguy595** : wait. where the fuck is jason. how am i supposed to exude dumbass/chaotic energy without the dumbass?!

**thesexiestpersonyouwillevermeet** : Jason, my very annoying and irritating brother, is grounded. He tried to slide down the banister on his Death-Board but, he fell and knocked down a very expensive vase.

**thesexiestpersonyouwillevermeet: ** He won't be seeing the outside world until he's forty-seven years old.

**thatgoodbitchnextdoor:** press f to pay respects for our fallen brother

**thatgoodbitchnextdoor: ** f

**furryguy595:** f

**yeet: ** f eet

**gayforjughead&reggie:** f uck math 

**ColeAndDylanSprouseAreMyDaddies: ** i would really like to F uck kevin at the moment 

**TheHolyBible: ** holy f joaquin desantos! have some regards towards proper manners jesus

**LeronicaVodge:** f the police coming back from the underground 

**thesexiestpersonyouwillevermeet** : F, I guess.

**thatgoodbitchnextdoor:** juggie…

**Forsythe.Pendelton** : i reFuseF

**Short People, Unite!**

**it's twelve-ish (in the afternoon)**

**!FANGs!: ** so, just to be sure, murder's an illegal activity, right?

**yeet:** things being illegal is just an illusion the government uses to keep us inline

**LeronicaVodge:** yes. why?

**!FANGs!: ** pea just called me a hobbit and im not really sure how to react 

**yeet:** cut a couple of his inches off

**!FANGs!:** downstairs or upstairs 

**LeronicaVodge: ** what the hell am i gonna do with you two

**yeet: ** keep us from overdosing on our own stupidity 

**the pussies**

**still twelve (in the afternoon)**

**dracomelfoy: ** how's it feel to be back on riverdale soil, girls

**actuallyhitler:** absolutely horrendous. i wanna go back to california with josies dad and stare at all the barely dressed pretty girls

**ho.sie: ** perv

**actuallyhitler: ** i wonder how much the not straight squad missed us

**dracomelfoy:** only one way to find out

**A+J+R**

**one (in the afternoon)**

**gayforjughead&reggie: ** we really shouldn't be texting right now

**furryguy595: ** yes, but, i just *have* to tell you about the absolutely ridiculous thing jughead did

**gayforjughead&reggie: ** ah hell what'd he do now?

**Forsythe.Pendelton: ** it really wasnt that bad

**gayforjughead&reggie: ** reggie, do tell

**furryguy595: ** ok so, mr. drew was like "forsythe can you answer this question?" and like jug wasn't paying attention so he didn't even know what the question was 

**Forsythe.Pendelton: ** and so, i look to reggie so he can help me and he just sits there, giggling and so, completely flabbergasted, i say 

**gayforjughead&reggie: ** please tell me you didn't say what i think you did

**furryguy595: ** he said," i can't. im gay." and chuck was just like "that and you're just very stupid." 

**Forsythe.Pendelton:** so i said," mr. drew, the one with internalised homophobia is bulliyn me" and everyone started laughing. 

**Forsythe.Pendelton:** it was a good day

**gayforjughead&reggie: ** jesus juggie

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> again, im sorry for the three month hiatus


	10. jug and pea beng Bud (tm)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in whihc jughead obsesses over the greatest movie ever (Sex Drive), sweet pea says okay boomer A LOT, and everyone (except for sweet pea, who has NO taste) hates adam sandler

**The Epically Fantastic Chat Between Jug and Pea**

thethirdinalongline: hello

EctoplasmaticUrine: hi

thethirdinalongline: what would you do if you turned into a donut?

EctoplasmaticUrine: i trie to fill my hole

thethirdinalongline: dear god please dont tell me you mean what i think you mean

EctoplasmaticUrine: well, if im a donut and i have a hole, im automaticly female right so

EctoplassmaticUrine: i will try to fill THE HOLE

thirdinalongline: that’s. That’s not how it works

thirdinalongline: youre just a male donut. males have, ehem, a hole to, y’know

thethirdinalongline: thusly, you’d be a male dunot

thethirdinalongline: even more thusly, that’s not how it WORKS!

EctoplasmaticUrine: ok still, if i am a donut with a hole, that means im a gorl so fill the hole

EctoplasmaticUrie: that’s how it works

thethirdinalongline: y’know what? Fine. that’s how it works. go fill your fucking hole ffs

EctoplasmaticUrine: ahaha i win

thethirdinalongline: you only won because youre fucking annnoying

EctoplasmaticUrine: still, i neverlose an argument

thethirdinalongline: you never lose b/c youre annyoing

EctoplasmaticUrine: yes, that is true but i didnt lose

Thethirdinalongline: so you admit youre annoying

EctoplasmaticUrine: ive always know, and it’s one of my better traits

thethirdinalongtime: it’s 8:17 im tired

EctoplasmaticUrine: OK BOOMER

thethirdinalongline: i am YOUNGER than you how in the hell does that make me a boomer, pea

EctoplasmaticUrine: ok boomer

thethirdinalongline: for fucking fucks sake in hell youre annoying

EctoplasmaticUrine: that i am boomer, that i am

thethirdinalongline: call me a boomer one more time i just might asphyxiate you

EctoplasmaticUrine: 

thethirdinalongline: i swear to fucking god, sometimes i wonder why i associate myself wiht you, you fucking dick nabber

EctoplasmaticUrine: okay boomer

thethirdinalongline: Ian- He’s gonna fuck my ass with a role of quarters.

thethirdinalongline Ezekiel- He’s gonna what? With what?

thethirdinalongline: Ian- Oh, yeah. He’s gonna get off a work early, got to the bank, get a roll of quarters, find my ass and fucking fuck it with a roll of quarters!

thethirdinalongline: Ezekiel- *amused and afraid staring*

thethirdinalongline: from, Sex Drive, the 2008 cinematic masterpiece starring Amanda Crew and Josh Zuckerman 

EctoplasmaticUrine: don’t wanna watch that, it seems weird

thethirdinalongline: it’s not weird just. a bit raunchy. but, i mean, it *is* about a boy driving to tennesee to get laid, waht do you expect?   
  


thethirdinalongline: i mean. there is a part where some girl nearly shits on some dude but, tou ~could~ just skip that

EctoplasmaticUrine: like, i said weird

thethirfinalongline: you should just watch it, i swear, it’s perfect! PEAK humor!

EctoplasmaticUrine: i dont even know where to fin the movie

thethirdinalongline: it’s on tubi. so, all you gotta do is go to to tubi, go to the search bar, and type it in ‘sex drive’

EctoplasmaticUrine: ok boomer

thethirdinalongline: bloody hell i’ll kill you

EctoplasmaticUrine: well, if that’s how you feel, you can’t ignore youre feelings, boomer

thirdinalongline: you are legit older than me what the fuck

EctoplasmaticUrine: ok boomer

thirdinalongline: but. Uh, you gonna watchh the movie

EctoplasmaticUrine: ??

thethirdinalongline: please do i mean else to refrence with

EctoplasmaticUrine: define reference    
  


thirdinalongline: ffs! So you know when someone says something that reminds you of something and then you quote that something?   
  
EctoplasmaticUrine: like, when cheryl says lesbians me&fangs say “i’m in lesbians with you?”   
  
thethirdinalongline: yes! and that, my pal, is refrencinng

EctoplasmaticUrine: for speaking like that “and that my pal is refrencing” you deserve a big ole…

EctoplasmaticUrine: OKAY BOOMER1111!!!!!!!!!

thirdinalongline: go fuckig eat thirty day old cum from a fucking herepes addled dick and die you fuckhole

EctoplasmaticUrine: whatver boomer

thirdinalongline: uh, you say boomer one more time i will stick a twelve inch cactus up your butt

thirdinalongline: okay? do NOT fuck with me, i have the power of god and anime on my side!

thirdinalongline: that was a refrence

EctoplasmaticUrine: cool boomer

thirdinalongline: i hate you im nnot a fucking boomer you oversized monkey flea dick

EctoplasmaticUrine: christ. calm ya saggin tits, boomer

thirdinalongline: y’know what? Im going to change the topic. how do you feel about adam sandler

EctoplasmaticUrine: he’s pretty funny. i like his movies

thirdinalongline: goodbye.

EctoplasmaticUrine: what?

_thethirdinalongline _has left the chat

EctoplasmaticUrine: ahh juggy be nice!

  
  
  
  



End file.
